It is 4:21 AM and I am awake in my house full of people, feeling very alone. I am awake because the past thirty-five hours have been chaotic and tumultuous. I am awake because I feel raw and vulnerable. I am awake because the best way for me to cope with these periods of life is expose the emotions in print and then set about organizing the chaos. The naming of the fears diminishes their ability to paralyze me. And making lists, packing lunches and paying bills is a small, human act that defies the Universe by saying, "You may have me reeling now. But even in the midst of this, Life will go on."
I am realizing that the older I get the more delicate my constitution becomes. I can't see as clearly as I once did without the assistance of reading glasses. I require more sleep and less alcohol than I ever have. And at a minimum, the effort it takes for me to feel balanced, steady and purposeful has quadrupled. Ideally, I would be awakened by my internal clock after six to eight hours of restful sleep. My morning would begin with a long, quiet walk through my tropical surroundings; just me, my thoughts, and occasionally, a companion, canine or otherwise, meandering through the streets and villages, speaking to strangers and absorbing the uniqueness of the glorious day. Blah, blah, blah. My Utopian life would be characterized by healthy food, fulfilling work and of course, smiling, loving friends and family who revel in my company without questioning my decisions and enter/exit my presence in a flow of precision and synchronization.
Damn. No wonder I feel so far off course. My Perfect Life is UNATTAINABLE! And apparently, dependent upon a race of gracious, smiling friends and relatives with unparalleled rhythm and perfect timing....HAHAHA! Instead, I am wide awake at 4:56 AM on a Tuesday morning, avoiding my bank balance and re-arranging my calendar so that I can take my 8-year old to an appointment with an Orthopaedic Hand Specialist. (Because in Utopia if your Mother tells you not to climb the fence in the backyard, you would listen. But in the reality of Mayodan, North Carolina, you would ignore your Mother and fracture your wrist in two places.)
Which inevitably means that I am going to disappoint people. The clients I will not be able to see today who will now have to wait two or three more weeks to settle their custody disputes. My 10-year old who is in need of extra attention because his brother is absorbing most of mine right now. My sweet, dear husband who is struggling to understand I probably can not get on a plane and fly away from my children this weekend. Granted, they will both be at their dad's house and will likely go the entire four days without needing anything from me. The problem is, the decision has very little to do with them and everything to do with my own feelings of vulnerability.
Walking into an Emergency Room with 72 pounds of my heart broken, literally, and waiting for someone to tell me how to put it back together, leaves me reeling. It also makes me eternally grateful that my children are healthy and that I don't have to swallow that cocktail of bile mixed with fear very often. Realistically, I understand that "boys will be boys and these types of things are going to happen." After all, bones get broken....and healed....every day. But if you know me well, then you know that "being there" is one of the foundation stones of who I am as a Mom. So staying close by might make me more safe while also helping me assauge the lingering guilt from days when I was not where I should have been. And secretly, I love how much my baby needs me to be his right arm right now...pun intended.
The Universe feels moderately unsteady for me today. The Dow has plunged, our Heroes are being killed by the dozens a million miles from home and there are riots in the streets of London. And beyond prayer, charity and compassion, there is little that I can do to alter any of those situations. But here on my homefront, I can pay the bills, pack the lunches, wake people up kindly and write the answers to the homework questions. In essence, I can manage my own chaos and.... Do What I Think Is Best. Period.
