Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals
everything,
But I'm still waiting.
I'm through with doubt.
There's
nothing left for me to figure out.
I've paid a price,
And I'll keep
paying.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm
still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and
round.
It's too late to make it right,
I probably wouldn't if I
could.
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think
I should.
"Not Ready to Make Nice" - The Dixie Chicks
There was a time in my life, circa 2006, when this song was my soul's anthem. I was at a point where major changes were on the horizon, and I had given every ounce of "try" that I possessed for years and years. Back then, I could no longer afford to care about what anyone, except my children, thought about me or my decisions. It was a bumpy, unattractive experience and I made a lot of mistakes. But ultimately, my instincts proved right and the paths I chose then led us all to greater happiness and contentment.
And once again, after several weeks of chaos and intense drama, I find these lyrics scrolling repeatedly through my brain. I have lived with myself long enough to know that when I am feeling really angry, the underlying emotions are always fear and disappointment. In all honesty, I am not "mad as hell"....but I am sad as hell. Disappointed that I have allowed myself to be hurt....again....and disappointed in the limited capacities of those involved. I have consistently tried to treat those closest to the situations fairly, to give them the benefit of the doubt as often as possible and to own up to the ways I am contributing to the negative energy. But, alas, my endeavors have brought me back to "round and round and round."
So I am at a point where I am not ready.....indeed, I am no longer interested....in making nice. That doesn't necessarily mean that I want to make "not nice." On the contrary, the dramas are like raging fires that I no longer choose to fuel. Sometimes the best way to continue to be loving and respectful to someone is to withdraw and allow them to live the way they want to live....without judgment, without comment and without intervention. At the risk of sounding trite, I can not control others, I can only control my reactions to others.
In a more perfect state of being I should probably try to forgive....but these folks have not asked for forgiveness. And the very concept that they have done something that I need to forgive is inherently judgmental and blaming. In this moment I am realizing that forgiveness is a gift that I need to give myself, to free up the energy churning inside me. I need to offer the most vulnerable parts of my soul the reassurance that my intentions were good, despite the outcome, and remind my bruised pride, that living with an open, hopeful heart is the price that "I'll keep paying." Forgiveness, especially of oneself, is a difficult, ongoing process. For now, stepping back is as close as I can "bring myself to do what it is you think I should."
Namaste.
