Cosmic Crossroads

I am embarrassed to admit the level of dread I experienced this morning while I was getting ready for work.

The older I get, or more aptly the older my children and I get, the longer it takes me to get out of the house in the morning. For the first 40 years of my life I was an obnoxious, annoying "go-getter"; the kind of person who sprang out of bed before the alarm and tackled the to-do list with abandon. I would never rest until all of my work for the day was done, which meant that most days, I did not rest. I was frazzled and impatient and I drank way too much when given the chance. And then I happened upon the outer reaches of the stratosphere known as "Balance".

Being divorced and sharing the boys time jointly with their Dad allowed me stretches of seventy-two hours or more of ME time...and a clean house..... for the first time since I became a parent. I still did not reach the end of my to-do list because, as I noted in my first post, I am a Project Person. But, occasionally, I was able to sleep late, read in bed, organize my closet, mop a floor and take a series of breaks...the exercise that normal people refer to as "moodling". I think the Webster's definition of "moodling" might be "doing something when or how the mood strikes you."

At this point it is necessary to caution you that moodling and living according to one's inner dictates is immediately addictive. Like the manic-depressive that I can sometimes be, I went from being a "go-getter" to being a comfort-seeking missile. Instead of waking up prior to the alarm, I began to lie in bed for 20 extra minutes...on a work day! Instead of pushing myself to exercise and read biographies, I began to eat carbohydrates LATE at night while watching heinous reality shows on Bravo. Thus, I was not as frazzled or impatient, but I became rounder and filled with a ton of useless knowledge about "Real Housewives" from every geographic region of our United States. And to be completely truthful I still drank too much if given the chance, but my motivations were ENTIRELY different!

Somehow when I reached the outer edges of the stratosphere of Balance, I completely overshot that universe and came to rest at a place of moderate dread when confronted with Responsibility. And so, after a two-week vacation from custody disputes and the court system, I found myself dreading the thought of going to work. Which is utterly ridiculous because I LIKE my job; and the flexibility and the paycheck that it provides me. What I realized once I finally arrived this morning was that the dread of returning far exceeded the pain of the actual return.

In fact, after two hours of returning phone calls and answering e-mails and catching up on paperwork, I was energized by the comfort of resuming my particular brand of "normal." I know that before the week is up I will probably be frazzled and impatient with something or someone. I feel certain that I will hit the "snooze" and stay in bed ten minutes later than I need to before next Monday rolls around. My peculiar recipe for balance is elusive and I can accept that. But I have decided to court Satisfaction over Comfort for a while...to exercise AND have a late-night snack....to read inspirational life stories and watch "Millionaire Matchmaker". Who knows? I may wind up at a cosmic crossroads, but I will damn sure enjoy more of the journey.