According to The One Who Knows Me Best, my biggest problem is with Acceptance....in the beginning it was accepting what I did not have, and would not be given because of the inability of those around me to provide it. And now it is accepting that I have built a life where I have all that I need, most of what I want and people around me who stay there by choice. Yet, sometimes, like today, I still struggle mightily with how to accept the abundance and the love, and to determine precisely where I fit in the midst of the life I am creating. I am almost constantly trying to balance between being gracious, giving and grateful enough that I don't throw it all away or become too much for the people I need and want.
In my natural state, graciousness is not my calling. I am loud and brash and too often I speak in the native tongue of my ancestors....negativity and sarcasm. But, life experience and more than a few loving mentors have shown me that negativity and sarcasm are best served in miniscule amounts...and then only when they are dressed in humor and a heartfelt intention to be truly helpful. To say that I like being at the center of things is a gross understatement. I feast on the organization and construction of events, ensembles, dwellings and relationships. All of which is useful to the fact that I am currently moving my household, fighting for the funding of my profession, shepherding two boys through spring-sports and helping to plan a major fundraiser for a most deserving agency! The trick is not making those around me, especially my children, pay the price for my obsessive need to control all aspects of my world....I mean, my desire to be where the action happens.
Another Person Who Knows Me Pretty Well once very sweetly described me like sunshine...drawing people out of themselves and bringing them together in the open where they can celebrate and enjoy their lives. Of course, the sun is also a gaseous ball of fire that will burn the skin off your bones if you don't occasionally take shelter and slather on protective lotions. So I guess the analogy works regardless of the viewpoint! Certainly, I am not afraid to be open...or outspoken...or wrong. What I am afraid to do is stagnate and stop growing. Or to have those I love and the things I care about be anything less than they were intended to be. Of course, that often means that what I need to do most is stop and listen and trust that they know for themselves what they need to be. Often, I need to assist rather than direct.
Thus far, all I need to know in life, I learned from experience, and so I try to tune into the music beneath the chaos and dance through my days. Moving between the dark and the light, between the bitter and the sweet, between the taking it all for granted and knowing better than to take any bit of it for granted. I dance loudly and brashly and without rhythm a lot of the time, but I don't quit moving and I keep on trying. Trying so hard. Somedays trying too hard. So if you should happen to see me traveling life's by-ways, or at the center of a whirlwind, it is likely that I will be wearing this sign:
Caution Fellow Travelers:
I am trying to learn to step more gently and with greater Acceptance....
and it is an awkward, human process.
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