I cherish the quiet and anonymity of the time I spend alone in airports. They are one of only a few places where I allow myself to merely sit, breathe deeply, eavesdrop, read, eat salty snacks and do nothing else. Occasionally, I will make a list or return a call or text. But even these small tasks occur in the expanse of nothingness that fills my head. Quietly sitting among the noise and activity surrounding me makes me keenly aware of how many hours I spend bustling and multi-tasking; which inevitably leads me to conclude that these feelings of peace and contentedness may be available to me practically anywhere I am, if only I would slow down long enough to court their presence.
For the majority of my life P.C. (pre-children) I was a "together" kind of person...arrived early, dressed fashionably, highly organized and prepared to tackle whatever tasks might lay ahead. Then I was graced with two incomparable boys who, with each passing day grow less interested in joining my Cult of Effectiveness. So, now, most days I am running behind, low on gas, with no idea how I will cram in one more commitment. I tell my most critical self that these things are true because I shoulder so much responsibility and simply have too much to do. But honestly, the lateness and chaos represent a more personal rebellion.
Stealing moments to linger and accomplish things that matter only to me is a form of revolution against the unrealistic expectations that live inside me. Realistically, on any given morning, all three of the men in my life could be up and out the door in less than twenty minutes and still consider themselves prepared to meet most anything life might send their way. Curling my hair, making all of our beds, choosing a particular pair of shoes or trying on three different sets of jewelry consume quantities of valuable time and seemingly serve little to no purpose.Yet I firmly believe that I am constantly reflecting not only who I am now, but also who I want to become in the next moment. To my way of thinking this reflection shines outwardly towards other, but perhaps more importantly, it also shines inwardly for my consideration.
Granted, these days my thoughts are less about judging myself against others and more about creating the life I want by virtue of my own choices. Which means that often I choose to stay under the blankets and watch the weather instead of hopping out of bed the first time the alarm clock rings. Or that I wear my pajamas when taking the kids to school so I can have privacy while getting ready for work when I return to the house. And frequently, these choices are responsible for my tardiness and lack of "togetherness". But somehow they also help gird me for what life might throw my way during the sixteen hours before I am crawling back into bed. Literally, hitting the snooze button in the A.M. and eating Hershey's kisses in the P.M. are counter-revolutionary choices that help me cling to my sanity!
And to think I unraveled the clues to these great mysteries, all while sitting in an airport today.
Footnote: I also relish that after all of the technological advances of my lifetime and a thousand flights in the past five years (not literally a thousand...but lots), I am awed (literally) that I can have breakfast in Florida and lunch in North Carolina. However, I don't fancy the people in the airport who talk too loudly on their cell phones, complain too strenuously to strangers about the delays or stare too disdainfully at the hapless parents of screaming babies. And I abhor flying away from the people I truly love most...on either end of my journeys.
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