The Fine Line

It seems that all around us people in various positions are trying to walk a fine line. The fine line between "military intervention" and an undeclared war. The fine line between radiation "exposure" and nuclear disaster. The fine line between Hating Dook and Loving Carolina. Now, even I realize that the last example is not within the same realm as the first two, in terms of magnitude. Nonetheless, this time of year for the TarHeel Nation, it is a VERY FINE, OFTEN FLUCTUATING, LINE.

As is typical of most folks I know, the boundaries we struggle with most often involve those closest to us. When does brotherly bonding become physical aggression between Jackson and Braeden? How do I know when to coddle, when to converse and when to kick ass? Is it really okay for me to harp on my husband about snacking late at night when my" fat" shorts from last summer are still eight pounds away? Am I really "happy" when my Rowdies complete a 5k or am I just "as happy as I can be" about it?

According to Henry Grayson, described by O magazine as imminent New York psychologist (so by God, he should know shouldn't he?), the degree of "specialness" we attribute to a relationship makes loving the "special" person more difficult. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it. Our society bombards with images and ingrained notions about how partners, lovers, best friends, siblings, parents and offspring ought to behave. But here in the Real World (and no, I don't mean the one on MTV where five complete strangers come together to see what happens when ....), in this Real World, our partners disappoint us, our lovers betray us, often with our best friends or our siblings, our parents continuously fall short and our children scream profanity at us in public. Not MY children, mind you, but other children I have seen and heard at Wal-Mart and Food Lion and on various sporting fields.

The eminent psychologist goes on to point out that it is not necessarily the actions of others that create our negative emotions. Rather it is that we have such unrealistic expectations of the role our loved ones will fill that we set ourselves up for heartbreak and pain. These expectations literally blind us to the love we once felt, or distance us from the bridges we are all seeking to build.

Which sounds great unless your lover/partner actually did run off with your nineteen year old sister and now they are pregnant with your seven year old daughter's step-sister/cousin. These kinds of scenarios have actually happened in a number of mediation cases I have had over the years...which always makes me grateful to come home to my "uncomplicated" life! Sounds like those folks are need of an "eminent" psychologist, but I doubt their particular means of transportation would make it as far as New York City.

And so, according to Henry Grayson, it is normal and natural that I walk a fine line with my best friend Angie. She is thinner than me, more fashionable than me, more patient than me and she writes a blog that is funnier and comes out more frequently than mine does. She also just bought a big house with a pool and a hot tub....all of which makes me feel "Tickled Green with Pride". Because we are best friends and we talk about EVERYTHING (word to the wise, and to our husbands!), I, of course, told her how happy I was for her and then blurted out that sometimes I felt soooo jealous! Not about the house so much as the blog and the fashion and the fact that the Bitch is SO SKINNY! She also happens to be more understanding and concerned for the feelings of others than I am so she was immediately went empathic and tried to convince me that there was nothing to be jealous of...how we would have great pool parties and she would help me shop for some cute summer things, blah, blah, blah. Then I reminded her of how she felt when my kids made the Honor Roll (again!) and her son struggles with learning issues that make him have to work twice as hard as the other kids in his class. She agreed, that she had felt happy and proud and envious, all at the same time.....Tickled Green with Pride.

So, I am wondering, if the unrealistic expectations we have of others affects how we perceive our relationships with them, how damaging are the unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves? To be SuperMoms, Ageless, Cellulite-less with Life-Changing Careers and Spotless Mansions? Are we really so angry at ourselves for being imperfect that we expect our loved ones to make us feel better about our lives by being more perfect? As I am not an eminent psychologist or an ageless, cellulite-less, supermom, I don't have the answers. But occasionally, I do have these moments when I can transcend all the bullshit that plagues me and I forget to try so hard.

Like when I am riding with Angie in her Red VW Convertible with the top down in the dark and we are singing Ke$ha songs...loudly. Or when my boys snuggle up to me, one on each side, clean and sweet after their showers, to watch WipeOut. Or when I have had just the right amount of Landshark (with lime), and I am swaying on the lawn with 20,000 other Parrotheads listening to Jimmy warble about being off the Coast of Carolina. My Perfect Life is made by stringing together enough of these moments that even for just a little while, I get over myself.

So, if you see me smiling and relaxing and feeling good about my life, I just have one request. Please DO NOT take my picture...I don't WANT to see how I look in print right now...and if you MUST take my picture...please make sure I am not standing next to Angie!

* if you want to read a hilarious, pee-your-pants kind of a blog, visit ettiquetteofirreverence@blogspot.com